Letters to Hope

I wanted to let you know that although this might be nothing, your father and I have been fighting a lot.  It is so hard to describe and explain how hard it is to have a relationship with someone and how much you have to work in that relationship.

I see our relationship and I keep thinking of you…. I keep thinking of the woman I want you to be and how I want you to be strong and confident and I want you to love yourself, and the fact that you deserve and are completely worthy of the best possible man for you.  That you do not let a man dictate what makes you happy in life and that you do not settle for anything less then this.  That you respect and appreciate your man without him walking all over you.

And if you decided that you are gay, that you do and act the same way with a female that you would with a man.

It is sad to say and is very stressing for me but who and how I am right now will shape and mold you as a person and who and what I tolerate will be with YOU forever.  The mistakes that I make you will most likely make, and how my mother raised me is how I am raising you.

This is scary because I am not the person that I want you to be.  Your father is not the man I want you to marry. I love him and I would not say anything negative about him to you.

He is your father and will always be your father and I know that he loves you as much as is humanly possible for a man to love his daughter.  But in the same aspect the way he was raised is not who I want you to marry.  I don’t want men to EVER treat you the way your father, at times, treats me.

It hurts me to write this but I wish that My mother had written this to me before I made mistakes.  She tried to warn me tried to tell me but sometimes people just grow apart.  Sometimes one person grows and changes and evolves into something different then they where and the other person can not accept that person, and sometimes the person never changes or evolves and the other person can not accept that either.

I would rather raise you on my own then train you to merely tolerate someone being around and only seeing love as a female catering to a man.

THIS is NOT my personality and I NEVER want you to learn this type of behavior.  I am scared of you not having a male role model in your life of your father not stepping up to be a good father to you.  But I know you will do well I know you will love him and that your bond will grow and hopefully you will teach him how to love and accept someone as you grow and mature.

I hope that he is never bitter or angry or upset and never says negative things about me.  Because although some might be true I want you to realize that if he ever does this it is only due to the fact that his pride is hurt and that he does not forgive himself for letting me go and that he realizes now after all is said and done that he made a mistake.  So don’t (if he ever does) take his words to heart. Know that he always loves you and that you where planned and made in love and that we love each other very much but there is MUCH more to a lasting relationship then just love.

I met this really nice lady today and I organized her garage.  She has twin boys and she told me about this really neat school in Jupiter that they both attend. I have been doing research on schools for you. I know it is crazy, planning for your school already, but I think it is really important.

Jupiter Montessori School

She told me about a Montessori school and I am going to do some research on it to see what it is all about.  The way she described it, it sounds just like something I would want you to be in.

Her house was beautiful and it sounded like she has a great relationship with her husband and kids. She was very into the school and her family.  It is amazing how much you can learn from people and how much they really open up when you smile and let them talk.

So I was looking into starting the process of editing this “book” but realized I still have so much to write about that I think I will wait until you are five years old to make the first volume of it. You as still growing, of course, and everyday you amaze me more and more. Today I noticed that you went up the stairs like I do (one foot at a time) instead of the normal left…. Left…. Left… that you have been doing since going up the stairs. You are also becoming very ….. bossy and independent and in that same respect are clinging to me more and more. The arm-pit thing is out of control and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. HA I hope you stop soon it drives me crazy. You are very creative and I can see your little brain thinking of more and more stuff to do and figure out. You like to color and draw and are starting to really get into playing with your dolls. I think we lost your favorite Elmo doll and every once in awhile you ask for it. You have three others but you don’t like them as much as you liked this one. We might just get you a new one but not sure if you would like it as much as the old one. You are potty training slowly, every once in awhile you will say you have to go, but then you also go get a diaper and tell me to put it on, so I think you know what the diapers are for and what the potty is for I just think sometimes you get a little lazy. But I am sure it will come in time. I have been really busy with my business lately and not home much. When I come home you HAVE TO snuggle with me as soon as I walk in the door or you are a crab for the rest of the night. It is good that you are spending time with Daddy though you both need bonding time together. This summer you are going to take swimming lessons with him and that will be very nice for the both of you. You love the new park and go there often (almost every day) you are still very active and only like to really watch TV in the early morning (and then for only about ½ an hour) and at around 4 and then also for only about ½ an hour. Other then that, you are GO GO GO GO.

So I met this really nice lady today. Her house was a MESS. It was overwhelming at first to walk in but I knew that I would be able to help her. She is a very free spirited woman with two girls who are both wonderful artist and very feminine. They have this really ugly cat and a annoying but cute dog. The first thing I did today was clean the kitchen. She had so many out dated and useless things. It was clutter central. We will see how it goes.

So it has been a little while since I wrote and I have lots to add.

Your birthday was a GREAT hit and everything turned out wonderfully. Besides the fact that the night before the party you where filled up with sugar and UP until 2 AM running around like a wild woman, which of course stressed me out like crazy because I thought you where going to be super cranky and mean. But you weren’t you where a perfect angel.

We picked up the balloons and the cake and all the stuff for the party and Gamma and Mema watched you while Chee Chee and I went to the park to set up.

The clown arrived just in time and shortly after you showed up with your Elmo shirt on and a big smile. At first you where wondering what as going on and the clown freaked you out a little but very quickly you got into it and where dancing around like a wild woman. You loved the clown and even let her paint your face.

Lucas and Jack from next door came and so did Dominic from down the street. Plus a couple of other kids who where already in the park. I had set up the party so that all the kids in the park could attend. We had Pizza and cupcakes with whipped cream and apple juice, water, and yoo-hoo.

You received a couple gifts from different people but the biggest gift of all was from all the grand parents and us. A BIG swing set for the back yard. It has a slide and three swings and a playhouse on top with a sandbox under it. It is really big and takes up a good part of the yard. For now it is in the middle of the yard, one day when we get a pool we will have to move it, but for now it is great. It has taken quite awhile for Uncle Tommy and Gampa to set it up as of today it is still not done, but that is ok when it is done you will LOVE it.

On Easter Gamma and I took you to an Easter Egg Hunt. Again at first you where a little hesitant and it took you a little while to realize what the point was, plus there where A LOT of people there but after awhile you got it and loved it. They had a lot of actives’ for all the kids and you played all afternoon. Later on they had a ballet in a building near by and you loved it. The music they where dancing to was The Little Mermaid which you got for your birthday. We still have not watched it because of course you are still focused on Pictures of Hope.

You have been growing in leaps and bounds again and are talking like a mad woman, every day you say more and more and 90% of the time you try really hard to repeat everything we are saying. This means we have to be very careful not to curse. (Which is a good thing.) You are also VERY strong and try to climb everything. There is a new park near by and you climb the rock wall like a six year old. You have no fear in climbing and are constantly saying “I do it… I do it” the past two weeks you have become OBSESSED with my armpit and it is killing me, but I think this also means that you will so be becoming very independent and it freaks you out a little. You still have the night nights and are also obsessed with those as well. One day I will take them away and you will be SOOOO upset with me. HA but you can’t be 20 and still have a night night.

I am very excited about your school next year. It is still very far away but I think you are going to do great in school. It is odd to think that in a few short months you will be talking completely and will be able to tell me anything and everything you want. To think that only two short years ago you where in my belly and not able to do anything and now you are telling me what to do in your own Martian language and soon will be saying it in words that I will really understand. It is crazy to think that my beautiful little girl is just getting sooo big. When you are an adult you will realize that time flies and although I have not changed much at all in this time (besides losing all that baby weight thank god) you have changed in amazing ways and will keep changing for a very long time. Becoming a strong independent confident beautiful person who I can not imagine loving any more then I already do. You are amazing.

So a client or, I guess you would say co-worker, that I interviewed with a long time ago called me and asked me if I wanted to share a client with her. I thought that was a very good idea.

I met with her client today to see what we could work out. The couple (another one, sometimes I am not sure if it is so great to work with your husband) are a Doctor and a nurse and live in a beautiful house with two beautiful children the house is a little gaudy for my taste but to each his own I guess. Like all of my clients they are not neat at all and of course there are papers everywhere. The lady also would like me to do her closets which I work on right away after the meeting.

We agree for me to do weekly bookkeeping at there house with my coworker reviewing my work, which I very much like. Her closets are not that bad but she does bad mouth her husband a lot which I am a little uncomfortable with.

She also shorts me in pay which sits the wrong way with me of course. But we will see.

Hope Elizabeth Elfman is Now Two Years Old!

Today is your Birthday!

You are two years old today and although today we are not doing much besides preparing for tomorrow you woke up in a cranky mood.

We have all had colds for awhile now and I think we just keep infecting each other but none the less I am doping you up on cold meds so you are in better spirits.

I have lots to do today, tomorrow we are having a party for you in the park, I ordered balloons and we are having cupcakes and pizza, we are also getting a clown and I think about 30 people are coming plus all the people at the park…

It is an Elmo inspired birthday since you love Elmo and I think it will be a lot of fun for you since you love the park and you love Elmo we are getting you a very large swing set for you to play on for the back yard, we where going to wait until next year to get it but Chee Chee just had to get it for you now. So we are all chipping in and getting you the really nice expensive one. I think you are going to love it.

On another note, you are quickly learning potty training and now have gone several nights without peeing in your diaper we try to keep “big girl panties” on you for most of the day but you usually run around naked. We have not gotten to the stage where we go anywhere without a diaper on you but I think that will be soon. Unless you are super busy you hate the feel of the diaper on you so that is a good sign.

You went to the mall with me the other day to get your picture taken with the Easter Bunny, You LOVED him you where amazed by his feet and large ears and did not want to leave him. You are talking more and more I swear it is like you wake up and already know new words, every day you amaze me.

You are just growing so big so fast, you talk none stop now and even though a lot of the time I don’t know what you are saying you are bound and determined to tell me something at all times.

We talk about everything that you see and know the words to and are eager to learn more and more words. It is just so cute.

You are crazy about pictures of yourself. Video of you has now replaced Elmo. You want to go walking every day and you are boundless ball of energy. You give random kisses to me when you are walking by and everyone at the park knows your name because you are very social and very loving to each and every person.

You get along much better with the older kids then you do with the younger ones because you are more at the older kids level then you are with the children your age. You climb and jump and run like a five year old and people are always amazed when I tell them your age.

You are very determined in everything that you do and it is refreshing to have such a go getter as a child. Although I must admit it is also very tiring. Thank goodness you go to bed at 6:30 or we would all be stressed out and tired.

New Client update: “French Woman”.

She is great she is beautiful and exotic and loving and all over the place she shoots from one subject to the next much more then I do. She is so passionate it is almost intimidating even for ME. But she is lovely and takes my advice and everything I say with such conviction it is intoxicating. She hangs on my every word and thinks I should be a “Life Coach”.

I laugh and say I have no idea what that is but I will look it up. We organize her office and all her paperwork. Like most of my clients she is a pack rat and keeps everything. I have noticed that a lot of my clients have ADHD or a form of it and I need to do more research on that.

If you don’t know about something do research it really helps a lot. I teach her about filing and what to keep and not keep I even organized her purse. She is trying to write a book and just like “spiritual guys” is trying to make millions fast. I still believe millions are made by hard work. I have a feeling I will keep working with her for awhile.

She asked if she could call me from time to time and get advice from me and of course she would pay me I said of course although I am not sure how I would be able to help her but I will try.

Things like “It’s coming … It’s coming… IT’S COMING” when referring to the ocean waves going in and out and “Pictures of Hope” over and over again while watching yourself on the TV makes me laugh and happy to be your mom. Sleeping all the way threw until 5:30AM makes me smile and giving me random kisses for no reason at all makes my heart sing. I know I have said it before but you are such a wonderful and beautiful loving child and I am so happy that you are in my life.