Letters to Hope

I am going through a whirlwind of emotions right now.

It is driving me crazy, your father is driving me crazy.  I am so tired of talking about our relationship, about changes that have to be made, about things that have been said or not said, about things I will not put up with no matter how he begs or tries to blame me.  I am scared in my life right now that I will become bitter and angry and never want to be with anyone ever again out of fear of having to deal with all of this in another relationship.  I’m afraid that I am teaching you that all of this is ok, that going through relationship after relationship and finding them all the same.

I am tired of people telling me that I have to be happy by myself before I can be happy with anyone else. In this relationship that I have had for most of my adult life, I have been alone most of the time.  I am worried that I will lash out and talk about your father in a negative light because I clearly see the mistakes he is making and do not understand why he does not see them.

I want to give you expamples of good strong confident men,  and I fear you will never see that; that you will make the same mistakes that I have made no matter how much I try to shield you from them.

I am scared that all my efforts and feelings will pan out into you making incorrect choices because I cannot break this cycle of “abuse”.  Not physical abuse but mental agony of both of people in a relationship not being enough for one another and having to search else ware for what is really needed.

I am scared that I am too selfish in what I want and that I will never find what I am looking for because I am scared.

You are such a wonderful willful child maybe you will not have any of these issues maybe you will never tolerate this type of behavior from anyone let alone a man.  I can only hope and pray and TRY to teach you NOT to.

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