Letters to Hope

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I wanted to let you know that although this might be nothing, your father and I have been fighting a lot.  It is so hard to describe and explain how hard it is to have a relationship with someone and how much you have to work in that relationship.

I see our relationship and I keep thinking of you…. I keep thinking of the woman I want you to be and how I want you to be strong and confident and I want you to love yourself, and the fact that you deserve and are completely worthy of the best possible man for you.  That you do not let a man dictate what makes you happy in life and that you do not settle for anything less then this.  That you respect and appreciate your man without him walking all over you.

And if you decided that you are gay, that you do and act the same way with a female that you would with a man.

It is sad to say and is very stressing for me but who and how I am right now will shape and mold you as a person and who and what I tolerate will be with YOU forever.  The mistakes that I make you will most likely make, and how my mother raised me is how I am raising you.

This is scary because I am not the person that I want you to be.  Your father is not the man I want you to marry. I love him and I would not say anything negative about him to you.

He is your father and will always be your father and I know that he loves you as much as is humanly possible for a man to love his daughter.  But in the same aspect the way he was raised is not who I want you to marry.  I don’t want men to EVER treat you the way your father, at times, treats me.

It hurts me to write this but I wish that My mother had written this to me before I made mistakes.  She tried to warn me tried to tell me but sometimes people just grow apart.  Sometimes one person grows and changes and evolves into something different then they where and the other person can not accept that person, and sometimes the person never changes or evolves and the other person can not accept that either.

I would rather raise you on my own then train you to merely tolerate someone being around and only seeing love as a female catering to a man.

THIS is NOT my personality and I NEVER want you to learn this type of behavior.  I am scared of you not having a male role model in your life of your father not stepping up to be a good father to you.  But I know you will do well I know you will love him and that your bond will grow and hopefully you will teach him how to love and accept someone as you grow and mature.

I hope that he is never bitter or angry or upset and never says negative things about me.  Because although some might be true I want you to realize that if he ever does this it is only due to the fact that his pride is hurt and that he does not forgive himself for letting me go and that he realizes now after all is said and done that he made a mistake.  So don’t (if he ever does) take his words to heart. Know that he always loves you and that you where planned and made in love and that we love each other very much but there is MUCH more to a lasting relationship then just love.