Letters to Hope

Life has been going on for the past month or so without your father here, and as stated before you do not really realize it.

Since taking the job at the club after selling the Pizzeria’s and working at night he leaves to go to work when you are asleep and the fact that he sleeps most of the day and then fills his day up with the phone calls and the gym, you never really realized he was here in the first place.

He is here for the hour and a half or so that he has always been here and while I am at work he comes over to take care of you.  You love the time that the two of you spend together and when he leaves you yell “bye bye dada” and jump in my arms only to have the day continue like it always has.

If your life (and my life) goes on like this I doubt you will ever have a problem or issue with your father at all. I doubt you will even notice that we are not together and it will not affect your life at all.  Besides when one of us starts to date someone but even that I am sure will not be that big a deal to you.

You are used to people coming in and out of our house and our bed and although at the age of 2 you have no idea what sex is when you do realize it (hopefully at the age of 40 hehe) you will not think it strange that we have different people in our lives (at least I hope not) because the same amount of attention will be directed to you.

I never remember my father and mother together and they where divorced at around the age that you are now. Although my father trashed my mother and said mean and hurtful things about her because he was bitter and angry it only hurt the relationship between my father and me not between my mother and me.

I very much doubt that your father will ever do such things because we are civil to each other and are very much still friends.  I know that you are going to have many questions when you get older as to why we broke up and I am sure when you ask me about them years from now I will give you a different answer then what is here because I am sure that through time memories will fade and I will not quite remember why just that it did not work out.

I have said this before and I am sure I will say it again.  I love your father very very much.

Let me just say that certain people mature and grow at different stages in there lives and sometimes when two people are together one person just does not catch up to the other person.  Also sometimes people just grow apart in this aspect and in other aspects of there lives.  That is what happened to your father and I.  He has different goals, different friends, different dreams and different priorities then I do.  They are not bad they are just different.

It has been over a month now and I am starting to get used to him not being here.  It still hurts, I still cry at night because I miss him and I wish that I could go back and be the 21 year old girl that he first met so that we could see eye to eye again, but I have grown and I can’t be that person anymore and he has not changed at all since the day I met him and that is both painful and frustrating. But I have changed and just like you will not be the same person when you are 5 from when you are 15.

Some people never stop growing and changing and some people do.