Letters to Hope

I love being a mom although at times it is very very tiring.

Well I have to tell you something and this will sound a bit odd or off and we will touch on it more as you get older but here goes. My whole entire life I have never even thought of my looks. What I mean is — and I am not being vain — I am being honest, I have ALWAYS been the pretty girl; ALWAYS the tall thin blonde with big real boobs and a super hot ass.

I used to be a dancer (something, again, we will discuss at a later time) and I made A LOT of money. In school I had no problems getting dates and am an expert flirt.

I love girls and guys and did not have a struggle with either. I guess I took this talent for granted and never really noticed or thought of what life would be with out this “gift” because, believe me, now I realize it truly is a gift.

I have never in my life been on a diet or exercised, and I ate what ever I wanted and up until recently I have not even thought about dieting or even gong on a scaile. I have always been a size 0 with a 34D natural chest.

Size 0 to Size 4/5 and Still Hot as Hell

But then age 27 hit and I gained a little weight now I am up to a size 4/5. Still very small and a lot of people said I looked much better with a little weight on me. I went now from 98 pounds to a wapping 115.

I have never really been an eater EVER I was never anorexic or bulimic or anything like that. I just never really enjoyed food that much. To me it was a major waste of time. I did not think about “oh if I eat this I will gain weight” because I never thought of my weight. Eating seemed like a waste of time and stupid I would often times forget to eat or eat once a day, food was just not that great.

Pregnancy Weight, Meet Isis; Isis, Meet Pregnancy Weight

AND THEN I GOT PREGNANT and WOW all of a sudden food was WONDERFUL. I could not get enough of it. I loved and lived for food.

My mom was shocked the first time I finished an ENTIRE sandwich and then I asked for more. I ate and ENTIRE BOX of mac and cheese and I ate 3 to 4 times a day. My doctor at my 6 month check up said OK now you gained the recommended 30 pounds you need to stop or you will regret it.
STOP? I said NO way in HELL was I going to give up wonderful FOOD now that I had finally found what everyone was talking about I was all GUNG HO on the idea. BBQ here I come. Pineapple I could not get enough.

From 98 Pounds to 190 Pounds in Nine Months

So, guess what? I grew and grew and grew and few and at your birth I weighed 190 pounds. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!

I weighed 10 pounds less then MY FATHER. And I am only 5’6. But I did not care. I am pregnant everyone kept telling me, it doesn’t matter, my husband kept saying.

You only weighed a 8 pounds 9 ounces and were very very healthy. Three weeks later, I lost 40 pounds from breast feeding. BOOM — GONE.

40 Pounds Down — 35 More to Go

I still had the extra 35 pounds to go. 35 pounds is not a lot when you type it out but when you are used to 115 it is a MOUNTAIN.

Now, all of a sudden, I was the chunky girl (or so I felt. OOPS FEEL now).

Fat, No One Flirts With Me

I lost my spark, no one flirts with me, I feel like no one looks at me and says ‘WOW I would love to see that girl naked!’. Now they just look at me and see a dumpy old mom (at 29 years old I might add).

I have started going to the gym. I go three to four times a week and have been going to two months now. Guess what? I AM STILL the exact same weight. WHAT THE HELL?

I feel like until I reach my goal weight I am an ugly screw which is really hard for me to deal with. If only I had realized how hot I was when I was thin. Now this is not some Oprah show were I am going to say WOE IS ME. No, no, I am just saying how hard it is and how much I realized I used my looks to make myself feel better.

What’s Inside Counts Until You’re Hideously Fat

I know it I what on the inside that counts but right now I feel like that is a load of crap. No one sees what is on the inside when you get promoted for showing a little skin. I KNOW for a fact that a lot of things in my life have gone BETTER because of my looks. Or because of that SPARK.

I just hope that I can get that back. And FAST.