I miss him….. I miss him so much.

I miss his arms and his legs and his smile and the way he holds me.

I miss my legs raped around his and the way he rolls over me in the bed, I miss his loud breathing and his snoring,

I miss his smile and his smell and the way he walks.

I miss his laugh and the funny faces he makes,

I miss how he calls me baby and how he holds my hand when we walk  together,

I miss the way we made love and the way we fucked.

I miss him so much and it hurts so bad.

I can’t breath; I can’t stop crying I can’t stop that sick twisted smile that is not really a smile you get on your face that hurts your whole face.

I can’t breathe and feel like my heart is going to exploded.

I have Goosebumps all over my body and I just want him to wrap me up in his arms and tell me it is going to be ok……..and he has made so many promises so many statements of how he will change how much he loves me and he is never come through or fulfilled anyone of them and this hurts most of all.

Stiffed: $600 — They Never Communicate with Each Other

They owe me $600.00. I knew it was coming I should have treated them like “Wacko Dentist” but I did not think they were crazy.

I kept telling them over and over again that hey were mismanaging there money. They had A LOT of overdraft charges because they were not communicating with me. Through all of it, they were very nice and just thought it would all work out but I saw the end.

I ran into the wife in the grocery store and she was practically crying all over the place when I saw her. She kept apologizing saying that she now had to pull her kids out of school that her husband would not get out of bed. I felt bad for her but not bad enough to excuse the bill.

STOP SPENDING MONEY — Read the Signs

I told her she could pay me $20.00 per week if she wanted as long as she worked on paying me back. I found out that she screwed the guy that was doing her Kitchen out of thousands of dollars and that made me feel even less pitty for her.

She knew this was coming and yet they all kept doing it and spending money like there was not issue. People who do not learn from LARGE warning signs and people spelling it out for them do not really get my pity. I can totally understand if you were not aware or did not get proper support but I told them months ago STOP SPENDING MONEY. Their kids were spoiled beyond belief.

Pay Attention, Hope: Here is a Lesson for You

Honey I am going to give you an education before I give you a new doll on the shelf. I am not going to show you love by gifts but by hard work on your part and mine.

I do not (or I try very hard not to) sweep issues under the rug thinking they will go away, especially with money. Everyone is in a small sense in denial for a little while but then it is time to wake up and realize what you have to do.

My mom taught me that from the start and I hope that I will be able to teach you that as well.

You went to the park and played well with all the other kids, this morning I cleaned the porch and you played very well on your own in your sand box and with the dog, you are doing well with both playing by yourself and with others.

I Hate That One Day You Will Learn Not Everyone is Nice

There were three little boys at the park and you so badly wanted to play with them, but they where much older then you and were not interested. I hate the fact that one day you are going to learn that not all kids are nice and not all kids, no matter how nice you are to them, will be nice to you.

I wish I could save you from this terrible truth, because you ARE such a loving and wonderful person and because you so badly want to be friends with everyone. I hope you do not become cynical because of these situations and you always keep that loving sprit.

I love the little girl you are becoming and how much you are learning and growing, and although at times you test me with saying No NO NO and with now allowing me to do certain things. (like brush your teeth) you are forever amazing to me because you randomly run up and give me a hug and kiss and you always want to snuggle and you’re testing me does not last too long and you never hold a grudge. I have never seen you mean or spiteful and I hope you never learn or become that.

I hope you do not learn the screaming from me although I do scream at you sometimes and I am sorry I hope I can break the habit so you do not scream at your kids.

Maybe I’ll Turn This Journal into a Book For You?

I thought about making this whole thing into a book for you and giving it to you on your 18th birthday I would have to contact and editor I think to make sure this all makes sense but I think you would appreciate it and realize that your mom is just a human being trying the best she can. Just like at 30 I realized that of my mom.

I love you Hope Elizabeth Elfman and I hope that no matter what happens in your life you ALWAYS realize that.

Disappointed in Daddy’s Behavior

I have to express my feelings toward your father at this moment. I have to tell you how disappointed I am in his behavior, how I don’t understand it and how hurt I feel.

I, of course, was freaked out over the car accident. I was freaked out that we messed up and I knew it would be expensive to fix. I was also just in shock that it happened. We could have been killed and that your father was very distant.

I called him freaking out and he drove from Boynton to Fort Drum to pick us up. He had been working at the club and was so worried about getting back that he hardly spoke to me. I think he was pissed about the car and pissed that he had to leave work. We ended up getting home close to 1:30AM. He told me he had to go back to the club.

I Begged Him to Stay With Us

The club closes at 2:00AM and he would not even make it back in time to do anything. He said NO and left me SOBBING, freaking out, hysterically crying. I BEGGED HIM to stay with us. I was in shock and clinging to you so hard I thought you might break but he left anyway.

I called him several times but he never answered his phone. He stayed out until 5AM and then when he came home did not come upstairs to see me. I was stressed out and had hardly slept.

How Could He Be So Needlessly Cruel?

Why would he do that what needed to be tended to that he would leave his wife and child in stress? What type of boss would not understand that he is taking the night of to be with his family because they were in a car accident?

I don’t understand his thinking.

I always joked about this but now I see it might just be true. Thank God you were born on a week day or he would have never been there. I know that is so mean to say and I should take it back but I just think, at this point in your fathers life, he is a little mixed up in what is important.

Like me, he still has a lot of growing to do.

Finally!

Well, actually, you have been here for a little over three months now and I am the happiest mommy in the whole entire world. I can not believe what a joy you bring to my life. I can not believe how perfect you are and how much my heart has grown since you have arrived. I am so elated with happiness it bursts out of me at times and I think I am going to explode with love for you, Miss Hope.

Well now that I am able to (you are a lot of work and it is hard to spend time alone when I want to spend all my time with you) Let me tell you about the day you where born.

Hope: The Story of Your Birth

It happened on 03/29/05 at about 9:30 in the morning. I was already at work and was on the phone I felt a little trickle of something and then I went to the bathroom. This stuff just kept coming out and it would not stop but it was not pee.

I freaked out I called out to the guys in the office and then I called the doctor. He was not there for some odd crazy reason. They opened at 9:00 why was no one there. I was very nervous and freaked out. I then called your dad who RUSHED right over. I did not know what the big deal was. I was sure I could drive myself home but everyone told me NO WAY. So he drove me home I finally got a hold of the people at the doctor’s office and they wanted us to drive to Wellington. For some odd reason the traffic that day was terrible it took us forever just to get home. We where not about to drive to Wellington so a doctor I did not know could see if I was in labor.

I was frantically packing more stuff — I am not sure why but I felt I needed more stuff — we both decided to just go to the hospital and if they sent us home that was fine.

In Labor and Oozing — Your Daddy Needs McDonalds

But first your dad was hungry so we went to McDonalds. HA! At a time like this he is hungry. I was not in any pain at this point I was just leaking a lot. After we went to McDonalds we drove to the hospital.

I said ‘can you believe it we are going to come back home with a baby, that is going to be crazy’. We were both very very excited.

We get to the hospital and Joseph can not find a parking spot we drive around and around and then he drops me off and looks again. Finally he just parks illegally and decides to move the car later.

Sprung a Leak But Water Not Yet Broken

We go to the room and a nurse checks me and says nope, my water did not break. She was nervous that maybe I was leaking something else so I needed x-rays. We were, at this point, thinking that we where going to go home and that it was a false alarm.

It’s A GIRL! We Don’t Have a Girl’s Name Picked Out!

We went down and got the x-rays and the technician said it looks like we are having a girl. Up to this point I REALLY thought we where having a boy we had not even really talked much about having a girl. All I knew was that Joseph did not really like the name Bianca any more.

Now we had something to talk about while waiting. They made us walk around and around in the hospital over and over again, we where laughing and chatting everyone said “that girl is defiantly NOT in labor yet”. After a while they told me to lie in bed so that they could put a monitor on me. So far, not a lot of progress.

No Pain, No Baby; Bored, Bored, Bored

I still was not in pain and getting bored of sitting in bed.

It was about 1:00 pm and we had not called anyone because we thought we where going home. I got a couple shots for them to take my blood. Then, all of a sudden, the woman checked me and my water broke. About an hour later, I started getting uncomfortable. It was a weird feeling. They told me nope I am not going home I am going to have a baby today. We were so excited.

Phone Tree Activated

We started calling people. We called my mom and we called Mary and we called Joseph’s mom now known as CheeChee, Gamma, and Mema, respectively. Mary was the first to arrive.

The nurses made me lay in crazy positions and kept checking in on me.

Elizabeth (Mema) was looking for flights to Florida and Ximena (CheeChee) was getting ready to leave work.

Uncomfortable and Bored

They kept checking on me and nothing was happening. I was getting more and more uncomfortable. Your dad was getting more and more bored.

People started coming by but I was starting to become more and more restless. I just could not get comfortable. Your Auntie Samantha came by also but no one could help me. It was starting to get painful. Plus, I was getting really hungry.

You were turned sideways and where trying to come out that way. Every time I would almost get comfortable you would move around. They kept putting me in strange positions, trying to get you to turn around. You where dancing in there just all happy and not wanting to move down.

16 Hours Later and Still No Hope

When the pain became unbearable, I asked for an epidural.

Oh yeah, did I mention that at this time it was 1:00 AM and I was so tired and I had not even started pushing yet?

Once I got the epidural I felt a little better but not much.

I kept watching your little heart on the screen and they kept trying to put this electric thing on your head to get your heart beat but you kept moving and it would fall out. They tried 3 times and finally just gave up. It was starting to get painful again and I had a MAJOR urge to push but they kept telling me NO NO don’t push. It was soo hard for me not to.

Heart Rate Dropping — C-Section?

By this time your heart rate was starting to drop and they told me I was going to have a C-Section.

I FREAKED OUT.

I was crying and screaming and did not know WHY and I was just so shocked.

After almost 18 hours, why was I going to have major surgery? I told them I would try harder that I could do it. I was NOT prepared for a C-Section. I did not read up on that I was so scared.

The doctor and nurses reassured me that everything would be ok. Joseph helped me a lot he told me everything would be fine and not to worry.

They pumped me full of drugs and wheeled me into the room. It was 4:30 in the morning and at 4:42 you where born.

4:42 AM — 8 Pounds, 7 Ounces, 19 Inches

Eight pounds, seven ounces and 19 inches long.

Your dad was so happy and surprised to see you. I saw you for a quick second and then they took you away.

Joseph went with them and watched over you as they performed there little tests. Everyone gathered around and looked at how beautiful you where. They could not believe you where finally here.

Boy were you going to be smothered with love and affection. I did not get to see you for about an hour afterwards because they still had to sew me up. Once they wheeled me out of the room, they brought you to me all cleaned up and beautiful.

I’m So in Love With You, Hope

I could not believe I was holding you. I fell so much in love with you that I felt as if I was going to burst.

You took to my breast within seconds which I was not prepared for. It was shocking at how fast it was, and we just lay there as Daddy took tons of pictures of us.

We were wheeled into the room and the rest is a little hazy both from the exhaustion of the day and night and the excitement of having you in my arms. I can not express the amount of love that I feel for you. Just being away from you for a few hours is enough to drive me insane. I love you more then words could ever describe more then I ever thought humanly possible. I am so happy you are in my life.

Two Days in the Hospital and Then Home

After you where born, we spent another two days in the hospital because I had to get a little better before taking you home.

We had A LOT of visitors, family and friends. You received lots of gifts from all over.

It was so nice to snuggle up with you and have you love me so much.

You were a good baby from the start. You were so calm and so loving and did not cry that much at all. I remember hearing people tell me about how much you would cry and you really didn’t.

How to Burp? Ask Daddy.

A couple of times we both could not figure out how to burp you. I think you did not know how to burp and I did not know how to burp you. I got a little better as you got older but I still never really did it correctly. You figured out that mom was a slacker when it came to that and I guess compensated and burped on your own.

Dad was able to burp you with no problems at all. He is a lot better at a lot of things then I am, but then again I am better at some things then he is too. Good thing we have each other.

On Our Own Now

When we finally took you home, Ximena stayed with me for two weeks which really helped me out. You were no trouble at all but I needed help getting up the stairs and I was not allowed to drive or carry you. I hated needing so much help.

Your First Doctor’s Visit

Your first doctor’s visit was very scary for me. You where crying more then you had ever cried and I was crying watching you cry. It was very emotional but by the 3rd visit I was much better.

Well, at least until you got your two month shots: then it was terrible. You did not cry at all but I did the whole time. I don’t think you even noticed but I was a nervous wreck.

Princess Pees and Poops a Lot

We very quickly fell into an easy routine of eating and sleeping and burping and peeing. At first I was very nervous because you did not poop for a LONG time. Like, five days. I called the doctor and was freaking out but then all of a sudden WOW you became “princes pees and poops a lot”.

You slept a lot in the beginning but as you are growing now you are becoming much more active.

I am not allergic to anything in this world as of now not even poison ivy. But I AM allergic to Vodka. Well when I drink Vodka I black out and I would suggest that you NEVER drink Vodka.

Depending on when you read this letter will depend on what I tell you next. But please learn from my mistakes and do not drink. I am sure I will have many conversations about this issue with you later in life but for now in black and white I am saying this to you: Please learn a few things from others and know not to drink or do drugs.

Temptation is the Worst Evil to Face

Temptation is the worst of all the evil things you will come across in your life and if you can resist that you can resist anything. You will be a stronger person if you learn to resist temptation, a feat very very few people can ever master.

Heartburn, Yes. Morning Sickness, No.

I have also noticed just these past 2 nights and days that I have been getting heartburn which is terrible. I constantly feel like I am going to throw up. I guess this is making up for the fact that I did not have morning sickness. HA thanks! Tums have become my best friend.

Joseph: Daddy

Ok, about your father…

(I will mention all the good things about him you will soon learn that everyone had bad qualities but is it not nice to talk about them or mention them too often.)

Joseph was born in White Plaines New York in October 1974. He moved to Florida with two of his friends on St. Patrick’s Day at the age of 22.

They had large dreams and big hopes of opening up a club in down town Miami and making millions. But, of course, like so many young people with dreams it fell through. He ended up working at a club as a bouncer instead.

How We Met

Joseph met Isis in July 1998 at the club where he worked and was introduced through mutual friends.

We quickly fell in love and could not be separated from each other.

As young love goes we did have a couple of bumps in the road. We did not get married until April of 2004 and very much planned to have a baby shortly after getting married.

I Want to Get Married Now!

I wanted to get married much sooner but your father had very different plans. He wanted to be well established have a house and a good job and be able to support his family. At the time I could not see why being married earlier would change his plans, but as I get older I see his wisdom in waiting.

If we had gotten married early in our relationship before both of us were ready it untimely would have destroyed our relationship. It was the best thing we could have done was to wait and grow together to see if we did not in time grow apart.

Marriage is Forever

I think our relationship will last forever because we learned so much about each other before we made such a large commitment to each other. Marriage is not to be taken lightly and there is no shame in waiting as long as you want. Just realize that once you make that commitment you should plan on staying together forever.

More About Mrs. Isis Elfman

Ok, back to me. Ha ha.

Isis was born in July 1976 in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. I only lived in one other place besides Florida.

When I was younger — 8 through 12 — I lived in Holland with my mother and, at the time, step father. We moved back when I was 12 and I lived with my father until I was about 14 and then I moved back in with my mother.

Once she divorced my step father we lived with each other until I was about 17 and then I moved out.

Before Daddy, Relationships Not So Great

I had a few not so great relationships before I met your father as did he.

Young love is often very complicated. I swore when I was younger that I had fallen in love 20 times but as I got older I realized it was only “puppy love” and nothing compared to how much I love your father. I keep mentioning this because I want you to realize how much love means to us. And how being in love is very important in life. And how together, in love, we made you and that is how all children should be made.

Not a Mistake: You Were Born of Love

So many children these days are born as mistakes or born from two non-loving people or are just not cared for and I think this is so sad.

I have to say that before you came along I had cast aside three unborn children in my younger days. I knew I was not in love and was not ready and never wanted to be selfish in the sense to bring a child into the world and not be prepared to love that child completely and with my whole heart. Often when you are young you do not realize how to love or how much love it takes to go through certain sacrifices in your life and you are selfish only because you are young and do not understand.

I am sure through your life you will often hear me say you are too young for this or just wait until you are a little older. I only say this from my own experiences and realizing now how much I went through and not wanting you to go through the same thing. Although I know just like my mom knew that you will make a lot of the same mistakes that I did just because you will think that I do not know what I am talking about and that is ok. Just like me you will realize mom was right.

No Instructions: We Learn Together

I am just trying to write down all the little lessons I want to teach you. Children do not come with instructions and we will both be learning together. And since you will be my only child (as far as your father and I have talked about at this point in our lives we only want one child but who can tell once you are born we might want more) I want to instill as much wisdom in you as possible.

This morning Joseph and I woke up early for some reason and started chatting about YOU.

Then I went upstairs to take a shower and get ready for work. Before I got in the shower I peed in the little cup and used one of those pregnancy tests that Anna gave me. As I was taking a shower I was not really thinking too much about it but when I got out there were two lines.

I ran down stairs and handed it to Joseph who now was officially DADDY.

I asked if he was scared he replied “No” then I got dressed and headed out the door. Before I left I asked again he said “Yes a little” I told him not to tell anyone that we had to wait at least 3 months.

As soon as I got into the car I called mom’s office. She was not there, I called her house. John answered the phone and I blurted out the news. Then I called my mom’s cell again then I called her work then I e-mailed her and Mary.

As if the news could not wait to be told, as if I did not have all the time in the world to let them know. I had to tell them as soon as possible. They both called me back and I told them the news, they are both very excited.

Planned, Not a Mistake, Not an Oops

You where VERY MUCH planned. Not a mistake like so many children, not an Oops. A planned child.

Although we wanted to wait until next month and we did not think it would happen this easy. Let me tell you it only took four times. (well really it only took once) but we only tried four times and then there you where.

I am so excited. So scared. So filled with emotion I want to SCREAM to the world about you, But I can’t not just yet. Daddy and I LOVE YOU so much and we are SOOO HAPPY. We are making the right choice we are so in love and happy. We are so excited.

Ok the possible days you could have been “conceived” are July 7, July 11, July13 and July 20th. Humm I think it was July 13th. But maybe the 11th I guess it does not really matter. You are here and that is wonderful.

Oatmeal and Wing Sauce

Today I ate Oatmeal for breakfast and chicken fingers and FF with BBQ Sauce and Wing Sauce for lunch. I was STARVING at lunch time but feel much better now.