I miss him….. I miss him so much.

I miss his arms and his legs and his smile and the way he holds me.

I miss my legs raped around his and the way he rolls over me in the bed, I miss his loud breathing and his snoring,

I miss his smile and his smell and the way he walks.

I miss his laugh and the funny faces he makes,

I miss how he calls me baby and how he holds my hand when we walk  together,

I miss the way we made love and the way we fucked.

I miss him so much and it hurts so bad.

I can’t breath; I can’t stop crying I can’t stop that sick twisted smile that is not really a smile you get on your face that hurts your whole face.

I can’t breathe and feel like my heart is going to exploded.

I have Goosebumps all over my body and I just want him to wrap me up in his arms and tell me it is going to be ok……..and he has made so many promises so many statements of how he will change how much he loves me and he is never come through or fulfilled anyone of them and this hurts most of all.

You loved seeing Mema and since this was the most amount of time you spent with her she loved every minute of it.  We both did a lot.  We went to the Jersey Shore and you played in the freezing cold water.  You walked on the board walk and we played lots of games.  Every where you went you made your own little friends and you slept in the car because of all the hills and bumpy roads.  You played with your cousins and you stayed up late every night and hardly ever took naps.  It was a real vacation because no real rules applied and people spoiled you with gifts and sugar and kisses and bubbles.

We went to the Zoo and to an amusement park.  We rode on rides and ate a lot.  You received more clothes and gifts then Christmas time and you laughed a lot.  You kept saying … “and sometimes….. their’s FISH” we have no idea what that was but you where cracking everyone up including yourself.  Mema or Mommy slept with you every night so now getting back you are somewhat happy to have your own space and also somewhat upset.  Naps are hard to get back into the habit of but you are not cranky when you have them so we are still applying them.  You had a great time and I took lots of pictures and video of you.  It was a nice relaxing vacation for the both of us.  But now back to reality and back to every day life.

We went to the beach the first weekend that we got back and it was a lot of fun.  One day you and I went with Samantha and a lot of her friends we had a great time and then the next day we went with your dad.  You and he had a great time and I got to do some more relaxing.

Your father is starting to realize that we are not getting back together and he is starting to hurt.  I am sorry if this is stressing you out too much.  You keep telling me you are scared and I think it is because you are feeding off of my emotions.  I am going to try and curb them and explain to him that this has nothing to do with you so we need to keep is separate from you since you are too young to understand it fully.   I am trying to make it as easy as possible for both of us but your father does not see this.  I hope he comes to his senses.

It is driving me crazy, your father is driving me crazy.  I am so tired of talking about our relationship, about changes that have to be made, about things that have been said or not said, about things I will not put up with no matter how he begs or tries to blame me.  I am scared in my life right now that I will become bitter and angry and never want to be with anyone ever again out of fear of having to deal with all of this in another relationship.  I’m afraid that I am teaching you that all of this is ok, that going through relationship after relationship and finding them all the same.

I am tired of people telling me that I have to be happy by myself before I can be happy with anyone else. In this relationship that I have had for most of my adult life, I have been alone most of the time.  I am worried that I will lash out and talk about your father in a negative light because I clearly see the mistakes he is making and do not understand why he does not see them.

I want to give you expamples of good strong confident men,  and I fear you will never see that; that you will make the same mistakes that I have made no matter how much I try to shield you from them.

I am scared that all my efforts and feelings will pan out into you making incorrect choices because I cannot break this cycle of “abuse”.  Not physical abuse but mental agony of both of people in a relationship not being enough for one another and having to search else ware for what is really needed.

I am scared that I am too selfish in what I want and that I will never find what I am looking for because I am scared.

You are such a wonderful willful child maybe you will not have any of these issues maybe you will never tolerate this type of behavior from anyone let alone a man.  I can only hope and pray and TRY to teach you NOT to.

Life has been going on for the past month or so without your father here, and as stated before you do not really realize it.

Since taking the job at the club after selling the Pizzeria’s and working at night he leaves to go to work when you are asleep and the fact that he sleeps most of the day and then fills his day up with the phone calls and the gym, you never really realized he was here in the first place.

He is here for the hour and a half or so that he has always been here and while I am at work he comes over to take care of you.  You love the time that the two of you spend together and when he leaves you yell “bye bye dada” and jump in my arms only to have the day continue like it always has.

If your life (and my life) goes on like this I doubt you will ever have a problem or issue with your father at all. I doubt you will even notice that we are not together and it will not affect your life at all.  Besides when one of us starts to date someone but even that I am sure will not be that big a deal to you.

You are used to people coming in and out of our house and our bed and although at the age of 2 you have no idea what sex is when you do realize it (hopefully at the age of 40 hehe) you will not think it strange that we have different people in our lives (at least I hope not) because the same amount of attention will be directed to you.

I never remember my father and mother together and they where divorced at around the age that you are now. Although my father trashed my mother and said mean and hurtful things about her because he was bitter and angry it only hurt the relationship between my father and me not between my mother and me.

I very much doubt that your father will ever do such things because we are civil to each other and are very much still friends.  I know that you are going to have many questions when you get older as to why we broke up and I am sure when you ask me about them years from now I will give you a different answer then what is here because I am sure that through time memories will fade and I will not quite remember why just that it did not work out.

I have said this before and I am sure I will say it again.  I love your father very very much.

Let me just say that certain people mature and grow at different stages in there lives and sometimes when two people are together one person just does not catch up to the other person.  Also sometimes people just grow apart in this aspect and in other aspects of there lives.  That is what happened to your father and I.  He has different goals, different friends, different dreams and different priorities then I do.  They are not bad they are just different.

It has been over a month now and I am starting to get used to him not being here.  It still hurts, I still cry at night because I miss him and I wish that I could go back and be the 21 year old girl that he first met so that we could see eye to eye again, but I have grown and I can’t be that person anymore and he has not changed at all since the day I met him and that is both painful and frustrating. But I have changed and just like you will not be the same person when you are 5 from when you are 15.

Some people never stop growing and changing and some people do.

When I had you my whole world changed and every thought I have and every thing I do makes me want to be a better person for you and for myself.

He does not see that he should make the same choices and chooses to live as if he has nothing to loose.  He still has not seen the light at the end of the tunnel and that we as a family must grow.

I hope you are never with someone like this and if you are I hope you do not waste too much time.

I love your father so much, we have been together most of our adult life and I really do not know how I am going to handle loosing my lover and my best friend all at once.  But I have to stand by my convictions or damn you to a life of the same mistakes.

We are going to seek counseling and we are going to see if we can make this work but right now he does not realize that just saying he loves me is not all I will ever need.  He does not realize that in a relationship there are two people not just him. You hopefully will never see this of your father.  You hopefully will grow in the loving glow of his care and love for you.  You will see him as the strong independent person who cherish every breath you take.  You will see the knight in shining armor and understand that he trying to be everything that he can be for you.

I will love him until the day I die, I just can not handle his behavior and his choices.

And I do have to say Hope  that relationships take two people and that I am just as much to blame for our issues as he is.  It is just that I am making different choices then he is and I am not saying that my choices are better but I am saying that they are healthier for you and for me.

My heart hurts, my stomach hurts, my eyes hurt, my body hurts for the choice that I am making but I know in the long run it will not be something I will ever regret.

I see our relationship and I keep thinking of you…. I keep thinking of the woman I want you to be and how I want you to be strong and confident and I want you to love yourself, and the fact that you deserve and are completely worthy of the best possible man for you.  That you do not let a man dictate what makes you happy in life and that you do not settle for anything less then this.  That you respect and appreciate your man without him walking all over you.

And if you decided that you are gay, that you do and act the same way with a female that you would with a man.

It is sad to say and is very stressing for me but who and how I am right now will shape and mold you as a person and who and what I tolerate will be with YOU forever.  The mistakes that I make you will most likely make, and how my mother raised me is how I am raising you.

This is scary because I am not the person that I want you to be.  Your father is not the man I want you to marry. I love him and I would not say anything negative about him to you.

He is your father and will always be your father and I know that he loves you as much as is humanly possible for a man to love his daughter.  But in the same aspect the way he was raised is not who I want you to marry.  I don’t want men to EVER treat you the way your father, at times, treats me.

It hurts me to write this but I wish that My mother had written this to me before I made mistakes.  She tried to warn me tried to tell me but sometimes people just grow apart.  Sometimes one person grows and changes and evolves into something different then they where and the other person can not accept that person, and sometimes the person never changes or evolves and the other person can not accept that either.

I would rather raise you on my own then train you to merely tolerate someone being around and only seeing love as a female catering to a man.

THIS is NOT my personality and I NEVER want you to learn this type of behavior.  I am scared of you not having a male role model in your life of your father not stepping up to be a good father to you.  But I know you will do well I know you will love him and that your bond will grow and hopefully you will teach him how to love and accept someone as you grow and mature.

I hope that he is never bitter or angry or upset and never says negative things about me.  Because although some might be true I want you to realize that if he ever does this it is only due to the fact that his pride is hurt and that he does not forgive himself for letting me go and that he realizes now after all is said and done that he made a mistake.  So don’t (if he ever does) take his words to heart. Know that he always loves you and that you where planned and made in love and that we love each other very much but there is MUCH more to a lasting relationship then just love.

Disappointed in Daddy’s Behavior

I have to express my feelings toward your father at this moment. I have to tell you how disappointed I am in his behavior, how I don’t understand it and how hurt I feel.

I, of course, was freaked out over the car accident. I was freaked out that we messed up and I knew it would be expensive to fix. I was also just in shock that it happened. We could have been killed and that your father was very distant.

I called him freaking out and he drove from Boynton to Fort Drum to pick us up. He had been working at the club and was so worried about getting back that he hardly spoke to me. I think he was pissed about the car and pissed that he had to leave work. We ended up getting home close to 1:30AM. He told me he had to go back to the club.

I Begged Him to Stay With Us

The club closes at 2:00AM and he would not even make it back in time to do anything. He said NO and left me SOBBING, freaking out, hysterically crying. I BEGGED HIM to stay with us. I was in shock and clinging to you so hard I thought you might break but he left anyway.

I called him several times but he never answered his phone. He stayed out until 5AM and then when he came home did not come upstairs to see me. I was stressed out and had hardly slept.

How Could He Be So Needlessly Cruel?

Why would he do that what needed to be tended to that he would leave his wife and child in stress? What type of boss would not understand that he is taking the night of to be with his family because they were in a car accident?

I don’t understand his thinking.

I always joked about this but now I see it might just be true. Thank God you were born on a week day or he would have never been there. I know that is so mean to say and I should take it back but I just think, at this point in your fathers life, he is a little mixed up in what is important.

Like me, he still has a lot of growing to do.

I hope that in your life I try and keep it as stress free as possible. I am realizing this is a killer on you emotionally and physically. I hope that most (I can not promise all) of your days with me over your life time will be as positive and happy as possible. I hope to not stress you out or put too much pressure on you.

I hope to not take my frustration of the day out on you, and I know I will love and hug you a lot. I hope you like to snuggle and cuddle because this will be a big part of our relationship.

I know human contact and touch is a stress reliever and I hope that this helps you as much as it helps me with stress related issues.

I know I can not shelter you from everything or protect you from the world but I do hope you look at the world as a positive instead of a negative. I hope you always look at the world as the glass half full not empty. There are too many negative people out there I do not think you need to be one of them. I hope that your life is positive and there is no reason for you not to think positively.

Joseph: Daddy

Ok, about your father…

(I will mention all the good things about him you will soon learn that everyone had bad qualities but is it not nice to talk about them or mention them too often.)

Joseph was born in White Plaines New York in October 1974. He moved to Florida with two of his friends on St. Patrick’s Day at the age of 22.

They had large dreams and big hopes of opening up a club in down town Miami and making millions. But, of course, like so many young people with dreams it fell through. He ended up working at a club as a bouncer instead.

How We Met

Joseph met Isis in July 1998 at the club where he worked and was introduced through mutual friends.

We quickly fell in love and could not be separated from each other.

As young love goes we did have a couple of bumps in the road. We did not get married until April of 2004 and very much planned to have a baby shortly after getting married.

I Want to Get Married Now!

I wanted to get married much sooner but your father had very different plans. He wanted to be well established have a house and a good job and be able to support his family. At the time I could not see why being married earlier would change his plans, but as I get older I see his wisdom in waiting.

If we had gotten married early in our relationship before both of us were ready it untimely would have destroyed our relationship. It was the best thing we could have done was to wait and grow together to see if we did not in time grow apart.

Marriage is Forever

I think our relationship will last forever because we learned so much about each other before we made such a large commitment to each other. Marriage is not to be taken lightly and there is no shame in waiting as long as you want. Just realize that once you make that commitment you should plan on staying together forever.

More About Mrs. Isis Elfman

Ok, back to me. Ha ha.

Isis was born in July 1976 in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. I only lived in one other place besides Florida.

When I was younger — 8 through 12 — I lived in Holland with my mother and, at the time, step father. We moved back when I was 12 and I lived with my father until I was about 14 and then I moved back in with my mother.

Once she divorced my step father we lived with each other until I was about 17 and then I moved out.

Before Daddy, Relationships Not So Great

I had a few not so great relationships before I met your father as did he.

Young love is often very complicated. I swore when I was younger that I had fallen in love 20 times but as I got older I realized it was only “puppy love” and nothing compared to how much I love your father. I keep mentioning this because I want you to realize how much love means to us. And how being in love is very important in life. And how together, in love, we made you and that is how all children should be made.

Not a Mistake: You Were Born of Love

So many children these days are born as mistakes or born from two non-loving people or are just not cared for and I think this is so sad.

I have to say that before you came along I had cast aside three unborn children in my younger days. I knew I was not in love and was not ready and never wanted to be selfish in the sense to bring a child into the world and not be prepared to love that child completely and with my whole heart. Often when you are young you do not realize how to love or how much love it takes to go through certain sacrifices in your life and you are selfish only because you are young and do not understand.

I am sure through your life you will often hear me say you are too young for this or just wait until you are a little older. I only say this from my own experiences and realizing now how much I went through and not wanting you to go through the same thing. Although I know just like my mom knew that you will make a lot of the same mistakes that I did just because you will think that I do not know what I am talking about and that is ok. Just like me you will realize mom was right.

No Instructions: We Learn Together

I am just trying to write down all the little lessons I want to teach you. Children do not come with instructions and we will both be learning together. And since you will be my only child (as far as your father and I have talked about at this point in our lives we only want one child but who can tell once you are born we might want more) I want to instill as much wisdom in you as possible.