You are learning more and more words and now are starting to realize that many words can mean the same thing.  “thank is yucky, that is smelly, that is sticky, that is nasty”  or “that is beautiful, that is wonderful, that is nice, that is pretty” you express yourself very well.

You still whine quite a bit but not for very long which is wonderful.  Sometimes you have days were you whine more then others.  You are adjusting well to seeing your dad during the time you see him and you really value the time we have together also.  This weekend we are going to see Elmo on ice. I hope you like it and enjoy the show.

Mema is coming also and you might stay with her and your dad for the night.  It will be a nice change and you will be able to bond better with your dad I think.

You loved seeing Mema and since this was the most amount of time you spent with her she loved every minute of it.  We both did a lot.  We went to the Jersey Shore and you played in the freezing cold water.  You walked on the board walk and we played lots of games.  Every where you went you made your own little friends and you slept in the car because of all the hills and bumpy roads.  You played with your cousins and you stayed up late every night and hardly ever took naps.  It was a real vacation because no real rules applied and people spoiled you with gifts and sugar and kisses and bubbles.

We went to the Zoo and to an amusement park.  We rode on rides and ate a lot.  You received more clothes and gifts then Christmas time and you laughed a lot.  You kept saying … “and sometimes….. their’s FISH” we have no idea what that was but you where cracking everyone up including yourself.  Mema or Mommy slept with you every night so now getting back you are somewhat happy to have your own space and also somewhat upset.  Naps are hard to get back into the habit of but you are not cranky when you have them so we are still applying them.  You had a great time and I took lots of pictures and video of you.  It was a nice relaxing vacation for the both of us.  But now back to reality and back to every day life.

We went to the beach the first weekend that we got back and it was a lot of fun.  One day you and I went with Samantha and a lot of her friends we had a great time and then the next day we went with your dad.  You and he had a great time and I got to do some more relaxing.

Your father is starting to realize that we are not getting back together and he is starting to hurt.  I am sorry if this is stressing you out too much.  You keep telling me you are scared and I think it is because you are feeding off of my emotions.  I am going to try and curb them and explain to him that this has nothing to do with you so we need to keep is separate from you since you are too young to understand it fully.   I am trying to make it as easy as possible for both of us but your father does not see this.  I hope he comes to his senses.

I think that the shift in relationships (applying to your father and I) was just in the knick of time.  I think that if I would have waited another year you would have picked up A LOT of really bad habits that I am just scarsley avoiding.  It is getting easier for me and I am starting to get in the grove of being a single mom.  Not that I am out of the woods emotionally and not that my heart does not hurt most times when I look at him but I think I am becoming stronger and seeing the benefits of my choices, which drives me on and to not look back so much.

My birthday was very hard for me…. it always is….. I have a habit of reflecting on my life on my birthday and always looking at the negative.  Something I very rarely do and I guess I just save it all up for that one day when I am a crazy crying stress ball… I have been going to the movies alone a lot …. I do this often but now I am doing it more then normal, maybe this is my way of escaping reality for a little while…. At least it is better then drinking.

You don’t seem to notice because you are so rapped up in finding out about everything. “what’s that…. And that …. And that …. And that” is most of the conversations that we have on a daily basis. Your imagination is also starting to come alive and you are starting to be a little scared of things.  Which is weird but I am assuming very healthy.

Tonight you told me about the shadows being scary and on 4^th of July you where VERY scared, you clung to me like a spider monkey saying NO MORE FIREWORKS and I even showed them to you to show you that it was just noise and light (which normally when I show you something you are no longer scared of it) but that night you where terrified.  It broke my heart to see you shaking so much… and of course you slept in my bed…. I HAVE TO stop letting you sleep in my bed neither one of us sleeps good when you do and I wake up grumpy.  It is just hard to resist your little cries in the night “mama’s bed mama’s bed up up mama’s bed” I just give in too easy.  Which makes me wonder how I am going to do when disciplining you as you get older.  Will I be able to handle it ? I hope so.

It is driving me crazy, your father is driving me crazy.  I am so tired of talking about our relationship, about changes that have to be made, about things that have been said or not said, about things I will not put up with no matter how he begs or tries to blame me.  I am scared in my life right now that I will become bitter and angry and never want to be with anyone ever again out of fear of having to deal with all of this in another relationship.  I’m afraid that I am teaching you that all of this is ok, that going through relationship after relationship and finding them all the same.

I am tired of people telling me that I have to be happy by myself before I can be happy with anyone else. In this relationship that I have had for most of my adult life, I have been alone most of the time.  I am worried that I will lash out and talk about your father in a negative light because I clearly see the mistakes he is making and do not understand why he does not see them.

I want to give you expamples of good strong confident men,  and I fear you will never see that; that you will make the same mistakes that I have made no matter how much I try to shield you from them.

I am scared that all my efforts and feelings will pan out into you making incorrect choices because I cannot break this cycle of “abuse”.  Not physical abuse but mental agony of both of people in a relationship not being enough for one another and having to search else ware for what is really needed.

I am scared that I am too selfish in what I want and that I will never find what I am looking for because I am scared.

You are such a wonderful willful child maybe you will not have any of these issues maybe you will never tolerate this type of behavior from anyone let alone a man.  I can only hope and pray and TRY to teach you NOT to.

Life has been going on for the past month or so without your father here, and as stated before you do not really realize it.

Since taking the job at the club after selling the Pizzeria’s and working at night he leaves to go to work when you are asleep and the fact that he sleeps most of the day and then fills his day up with the phone calls and the gym, you never really realized he was here in the first place.

He is here for the hour and a half or so that he has always been here and while I am at work he comes over to take care of you.  You love the time that the two of you spend together and when he leaves you yell “bye bye dada” and jump in my arms only to have the day continue like it always has.

If your life (and my life) goes on like this I doubt you will ever have a problem or issue with your father at all. I doubt you will even notice that we are not together and it will not affect your life at all.  Besides when one of us starts to date someone but even that I am sure will not be that big a deal to you.

You are used to people coming in and out of our house and our bed and although at the age of 2 you have no idea what sex is when you do realize it (hopefully at the age of 40 hehe) you will not think it strange that we have different people in our lives (at least I hope not) because the same amount of attention will be directed to you.

I never remember my father and mother together and they where divorced at around the age that you are now. Although my father trashed my mother and said mean and hurtful things about her because he was bitter and angry it only hurt the relationship between my father and me not between my mother and me.

I very much doubt that your father will ever do such things because we are civil to each other and are very much still friends.  I know that you are going to have many questions when you get older as to why we broke up and I am sure when you ask me about them years from now I will give you a different answer then what is here because I am sure that through time memories will fade and I will not quite remember why just that it did not work out.

I have said this before and I am sure I will say it again.  I love your father very very much.

Let me just say that certain people mature and grow at different stages in there lives and sometimes when two people are together one person just does not catch up to the other person.  Also sometimes people just grow apart in this aspect and in other aspects of there lives.  That is what happened to your father and I.  He has different goals, different friends, different dreams and different priorities then I do.  They are not bad they are just different.

It has been over a month now and I am starting to get used to him not being here.  It still hurts, I still cry at night because I miss him and I wish that I could go back and be the 21 year old girl that he first met so that we could see eye to eye again, but I have grown and I can’t be that person anymore and he has not changed at all since the day I met him and that is both painful and frustrating. But I have changed and just like you will not be the same person when you are 5 from when you are 15.

Some people never stop growing and changing and some people do.

Yesterday You decided that you wanted to go for a walk, so you got your shoes on and lead me and daddy to the door. (Daddy visit’s you every day)  You wanted to go for a walk NOW.  Daddy  was not feeling well and the walk was short.  He left and then you decided the walk was not over so you started walking down the street on your own.

I followed you and we walked for awhile. The ice-cream man was coming down the street and normally I ignore him and tell you that the ice-cream man went bye-bye.  But today I thought why not let you have some ice-cream so I told you that we had to go back and get money. You kept saying “Ice-cream man coming ice-cream man coming need money need money”.  So you started to run because I said we have to hurry.

Well you fell and scraped your knee.  And OH MY GOODNESS you talked about that boo-boo for hours. We went back we got the money and we got the ice-cream but you kept talking about your boo-boo you cried while eating the ice-cream you cried while eating your dinner you cried in the shower you cried while watching, yet again, pictures-of-Allana.  You just kept telling me about the boo-boo.  And how you hurt your leg and where screaming no band-aid no band-air.  I was hardly able to clean the cut because you where crying so much.  And for a couple minutes you would forget about it and then lift up your skirt as if to see if it was there and then start to cry again. So dramatic so sad so determined to let me know you had a boo-boo.  Too funny and heart breaking all at the same time.

And then in the middle of the night you came into bed with me and even in your sleep you said ouch boo-boo and then whimpered ice-cream man as if he had inflicted the pain on you himself.

I wonder if now you will relate the ice-cream man to pain.  Hey that would not be such a bad thing.

When I had you my whole world changed and every thought I have and every thing I do makes me want to be a better person for you and for myself.

He does not see that he should make the same choices and chooses to live as if he has nothing to loose.  He still has not seen the light at the end of the tunnel and that we as a family must grow.

I hope you are never with someone like this and if you are I hope you do not waste too much time.

I love your father so much, we have been together most of our adult life and I really do not know how I am going to handle loosing my lover and my best friend all at once.  But I have to stand by my convictions or damn you to a life of the same mistakes.

We are going to seek counseling and we are going to see if we can make this work but right now he does not realize that just saying he loves me is not all I will ever need.  He does not realize that in a relationship there are two people not just him. You hopefully will never see this of your father.  You hopefully will grow in the loving glow of his care and love for you.  You will see him as the strong independent person who cherish every breath you take.  You will see the knight in shining armor and understand that he trying to be everything that he can be for you.

I will love him until the day I die, I just can not handle his behavior and his choices.

And I do have to say Hope  that relationships take two people and that I am just as much to blame for our issues as he is.  It is just that I am making different choices then he is and I am not saying that my choices are better but I am saying that they are healthier for you and for me.

My heart hurts, my stomach hurts, my eyes hurt, my body hurts for the choice that I am making but I know in the long run it will not be something I will ever regret.

I see our relationship and I keep thinking of you…. I keep thinking of the woman I want you to be and how I want you to be strong and confident and I want you to love yourself, and the fact that you deserve and are completely worthy of the best possible man for you.  That you do not let a man dictate what makes you happy in life and that you do not settle for anything less then this.  That you respect and appreciate your man without him walking all over you.

And if you decided that you are gay, that you do and act the same way with a female that you would with a man.

It is sad to say and is very stressing for me but who and how I am right now will shape and mold you as a person and who and what I tolerate will be with YOU forever.  The mistakes that I make you will most likely make, and how my mother raised me is how I am raising you.

This is scary because I am not the person that I want you to be.  Your father is not the man I want you to marry. I love him and I would not say anything negative about him to you.

He is your father and will always be your father and I know that he loves you as much as is humanly possible for a man to love his daughter.  But in the same aspect the way he was raised is not who I want you to marry.  I don’t want men to EVER treat you the way your father, at times, treats me.

It hurts me to write this but I wish that My mother had written this to me before I made mistakes.  She tried to warn me tried to tell me but sometimes people just grow apart.  Sometimes one person grows and changes and evolves into something different then they where and the other person can not accept that person, and sometimes the person never changes or evolves and the other person can not accept that either.

I would rather raise you on my own then train you to merely tolerate someone being around and only seeing love as a female catering to a man.

THIS is NOT my personality and I NEVER want you to learn this type of behavior.  I am scared of you not having a male role model in your life of your father not stepping up to be a good father to you.  But I know you will do well I know you will love him and that your bond will grow and hopefully you will teach him how to love and accept someone as you grow and mature.

I hope that he is never bitter or angry or upset and never says negative things about me.  Because although some might be true I want you to realize that if he ever does this it is only due to the fact that his pride is hurt and that he does not forgive himself for letting me go and that he realizes now after all is said and done that he made a mistake.  So don’t (if he ever does) take his words to heart. Know that he always loves you and that you where planned and made in love and that we love each other very much but there is MUCH more to a lasting relationship then just love.

I’m pretty sure I have every CD Tori has released. My friends all over the world are on the lookout for new and obscure releases. I know you will grow up listening to her music, since I like it so much.

About Uncle James

I only wish you would grow up knowing your Uncle James. He is a very quite, reserved, hermit like person who does not really like people.

When we where both younger, we were very close and had a wonderfully open relationship. Unfortunately something happened to him. I am not sure what broke his spirit. Over the years he has become very bitter and reserved. He used to be a very beautiful spirit.

I hope that in his life he is happy and finds happiness. He is so much like your grandpa (my dad) could be if not for his current wife, Mary.

I Didn’t Grow Up with James

We did not meet until James was 18 and I was 14 or 15. He went into the military and we became very close through letters and quick visits. Then he got out of the military and became a very different person.

I do not know how to cheer him up and I hope he finds someone who does.

I am getting so nervous and excited about you coming. Only nine weeks left (unless you come later).

We are going to paint the bathrooms and look for a changing table for you for down stairs, while John hopefully puts in the rest of the door casing and the baseboards.

My tummy is sooo hard with you inside. It is funny that I can feel little parts of you poking out of me sometimes. And you move a lot to music. I am getting more and more tired heaving around an extra 30 pounds in my belly. I can remember when I was only 9 weeks pregnant with you and I was so excited.

South Florida Fair

The other day daddy and I went to the Fair. We had a great time. Your dad LOVES all the rides and I am sure you will too.

I see him with other children and I know he will be great with you. It is so cute to see him so nervous and careful with them. I am sure he will swing you around and kick box with you and teach you to fight and play lots of sports with you and all those things Daddy’s do.

Daddy Already Loves You

I am planning that you two spend some time without me around to bond. Your father loves you so much already I want you two to be very close. I want nothing to come between you.

I know us both I am sure we will be hard on you at times but we only want the best for you. I want you to feel comfortable talking to either one of us about anything — something that both your father and I can not do so easily with our own fathers.

The Elfman Snugglers

You know what I can not wait to do? I can not wait to snuggle with you. To crawl into bed and get all warm and cozy and sleep. Or talk. Or whatever. That is my favorite thing to do with my mom. Is to snuggle really close and chat about the world.

I know you will have a close relationship with her also and will do that with her. I hope you like snuggling because with this family you can not escape it.