Letters to Hope

Gosh you are getting big and picking up everything I say and do.  It is amazing how much you are absorbing and how much you are catching onto …. “life”.

I think that the shift in relationships (applying to your father and I) was just in the knick of time.  I think that if I would have waited another year you would have picked up A LOT of really bad habits that I am just scarsley avoiding.  It is getting easier for me and I am starting to get in the grove of being a single mom.  Not that I am out of the woods emotionally and not that my heart does not hurt most times when I look at him but I think I am becoming stronger and seeing the benefits of my choices, which drives me on and to not look back so much.

My birthday was very hard for me…. it always is….. I have a habit of reflecting on my life on my birthday and always looking at the negative.  Something I very rarely do and I guess I just save it all up for that one day when I am a crazy crying stress ball… I have been going to the movies alone a lot …. I do this often but now I am doing it more then normal, maybe this is my way of escaping reality for a little while…. At least it is better then drinking.

You don’t seem to notice because you are so rapped up in finding out about everything. “what’s that…. And that …. And that …. And that” is most of the conversations that we have on a daily basis. Your imagination is also starting to come alive and you are starting to be a little scared of things.  Which is weird but I am assuming very healthy.

Tonight you told me about the shadows being scary and on 4^th of July you where VERY scared, you clung to me like a spider monkey saying NO MORE FIREWORKS and I even showed them to you to show you that it was just noise and light (which normally when I show you something you are no longer scared of it) but that night you where terrified.  It broke my heart to see you shaking so much… and of course you slept in my bed…. I HAVE TO stop letting you sleep in my bed neither one of us sleeps good when you do and I wake up grumpy.  It is just hard to resist your little cries in the night “mama’s bed mama’s bed up up mama’s bed” I just give in too easy.  Which makes me wonder how I am going to do when disciplining you as you get older.  Will I be able to handle it ? I hope so.

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