Letters to Hope

Can I just tell you little one that you are amazing.  You are talking so much now.  You tell me all types of things.  You tell me about the Whale in the room when you wake up and you tell me about things that you have seen and done,  You tell me about the TV shows that we are watching and how at this moment you want to go out and walk Rocko.

You tell me that you want to wear this dress or that shirt or that the outfit is too tight.  You also tell me about your tummy hurting and that you have boogers in your nose.

You are so cute.

You go around the room and tell everyone that you love them.  You say “I love you mama sooo much” I love you dada I love you Mema I love you Uncle Tommy.

You are so cute in the fact that you show and express your love for everyone around you.  I love that you are so loving and affectionate.  You go to peoples houses and are polite and wonderful to be around.

Yesterday we went to see Gamma and you were shy and cute and sweet and wonderful and you just could not get enough of all the people around.  It was great to see how wonderful you respond to everyone around you.   You are a delight to be around.

We are still working on you sleeping in your own bed and are still working on the stupid Night Night that never seems to leave you.  You need down time to snuggle and to recoup and you do this best with me.  You still do armpit and are obsessed with me hanging my arm up so that you can get to it. But now you even joke about it and do it on yourself.  You are so great in everything that you do.  I am so happy that I am your mom and that I can experience you every day.

So we went to Sabrina’s birthday party.  You were so great… you are so smart.  You play very well with other kids and although at times with me you are a little clingy you are a very happy kid.

You are learning more and more words and now are starting to realize that many words can mean the same thing.  “thank is yucky, that is smelly, that is sticky, that is nasty”  or “that is beautiful, that is wonderful, that is nice, that is pretty” you express yourself very well.

You still whine quite a bit but not for very long which is wonderful.  Sometimes you have days were you whine more then others.  You are adjusting well to seeing your dad during the time you see him and you really value the time we have together also.  This weekend we are going to see Elmo on ice. I hope you like it and enjoy the show.

Mema is coming also and you might stay with her and your dad for the night.  It will be a nice change and you will be able to bond better with your dad I think.

I met a VERY VERY VERY attractive guy today he was so cute I had a hard time concentrating on my speech to sell myself. Let’s call him “Superman” he is just really cute. I kept having very naughty thoughts about him, and of course I met his fiancé who was just as beautiful as him.  His partner was also cute although shorter then me. I have a feeling that they will be fun to work with if only for the eye candy factor.

I have known Latin Guy for AWHILE, and this is a summery of our relationship over the past couple of months. I knew him from before but never thought of him really in “that way”.

He helped me a lot when you were first born, though but in a somewhat none-sexual way.

Your father was no help when I was feeling fat and thinking I had lost all my beauty by having you.

Joseph was going threw his own drama and not letting me in to help him or to ask him or to reassure him of anything.  He was solving is issues on his own and wanted nothing to do with me.  So being in a relationship and yet the relationship not really being there was very hard for me (as I am sure it was for him as well)

Latin guy complemented me every day told me how beautiful I was told me I was smart and all the wonderful things I so desperately wanted to hear from your father but was met with a “you don’t cook enough”.  This hurt my ego and my self esteem a lot.

Latin Guy built it up again. I know it is so wrong for me to get this attention from someone other then your father but this is one of the reasons that we broke up.  Anyway once it was established that your father and I were not getting back together I sought him out. I asked him to lunch and we continued like time had never past.  We went out a couple more times and I could tell he really liked me, I liked him as well but again it was too soon for a relationship.

I wanted to establish a friendship and this whole dating was new to me after almost 10 years of being with your father.  I realized quickly that he  liked me a lot more then I liked him … in that way…. I thought we had fun I though we had good times I liked our conversations and our laughs but I did not think him “husband” material.  And I was not ready to settle down after just leaving your father.  We went to some party’s we had a great time but I was still very much trying to find myself and not ready to jump into something so serious.

I still wanted to date other people and he did not want that.  I quickly realized that men often think of females as property and he wanted to own me.  The relationship ended badly and I learned again a lot from it as short lived as it was.  I am NOT a piece of property, I have to be clear of my intentions and not lead someone on, and even if I am clear of my intentions I need to say them over and over again.

I am sure this is a lesson I will learn again but it was a good dose of the fact the men are in a lot of ways all the same.

Scared little puppys who want to be pet and loved and then do not want to give up what they have with you.

I hope I can prove myself wrong.

COOL “Surfer Guys”

I met the coolest guy today he is great he has a little body surf shop his bookkeeping was a MESS but I cleaned it up really fast.

The guy is really cute and just huggable. His whole family is cool they are, him his wife and 2 kids plus a really neat dog.

They are moving from Hawaii and are all tan and in shape.

Right away I felt like a part of the family it was so neat.

The guys partner was not as nice as the original guy but we will see. He seemed a little snobby but still friendly.

Today was a very bad day for me.

I miss him….. I miss him so much.

I miss his arms and his legs and his smile and the way he holds me.

I miss my legs raped around his and the way he rolls over me in the bed, I miss his loud breathing and his snoring,

I miss his smile and his smell and the way he walks.

I miss his laugh and the funny faces he makes,

I miss how he calls me baby and how he holds my hand when we walk  together,

I miss the way we made love and the way we fucked.

I miss him so much and it hurts so bad.

I can’t breath; I can’t stop crying I can’t stop that sick twisted smile that is not really a smile you get on your face that hurts your whole face.

I can’t breathe and feel like my heart is going to exploded.

I have Goosebumps all over my body and I just want him to wrap me up in his arms and tell me it is going to be ok……..and he has made so many promises so many statements of how he will change how much he loves me and he is never come through or fulfilled anyone of them and this hurts most of all.

Well guess what “A/C King” turned out to be the man I thought he was not.

I swear Hope all men are scum show me one that isn’t and I will show you a million that say they aren’t as well.  He was being very nice to me making me promise after promise I went out to dinner with him a couple times I was of course still doing his books, and of course I was somewhat flirting with him which was very unprofessional of me.  Because I was insecure and thought that that is what all men need and expect.

It all turned out bad when I went on a business trip with him and he started to drink.  I of course thinking it was very unprofessional to get wasted on a business trip stayed sober. But he wanted more he talked about us being together and how much money he was going to make and how much he liked me and wanted to be with me.

It was all a mistake then he started calling me all the time drunk and wanting me to come over to his house. Well excuse me but that is not wanted or permitted. I was being nice and I am sure this is wrong but I thought he was going to help me support you. I thought he was going to help with a job not for me to fulfill his HUGE EGO and to be arm candy.

This was unwanted and un called for.  He helped me cry through thoughts of your father through nights and days of pain but not because he wanted my best interest at heart no because he wanted what all men every want and what most get.  I can not believe I was so stupid to think an actual guy wanted me for ME not for me being a girl.  At the moment I HATE all men. I hope you never learn what I have learned I hope you never see what men are really like. At times I hope you are just a lesbian. Life would be much easier believe me.

Well a lot has happened since last I wrote.  I have been busy and so have you.

The other day you fell and cut your eye brow. You needed stitches and Dr. Jason gave them to you.  You where very brave and although you were screaming your little head off it was only for a short time and then it was over.  You got two stitches and then 6 days later they took them out and although you screamed again like a crazy woman you were still brave and it only took a second.  You now have a little scar on your eyebrow.  We are going to work on putting Vitamin E oil on it and hopefully it will not be a scar for long.

You were helping me water the plants outside and tripped on the rug and hit the table that is outside. Daddy picked you up and there was blood and you where crying but not too bad I had to hold you the whole time… Daddy was very scared and nervous but thank goodness I was calm and we got you to the hospital with no real issue. Of course once everything calmed down and we all knew you where ok then I freaked out a little but was calm while it was happening. Your poor eye swelled totally shut and it was all black and blue but less then a week went by and it was completely heeled.  I meant to take a picture of you with your first “real” booboo but kept forgetting and it cleared up so fast.

You have totally reverted backwards with the potty training and it is like starting from scratch.  You are so used to the pull-ups you ask me for them now.  It is not good but I am hoping you will be potty trained soon.

I am making preparations for us to move into the townhouse.  Your dad and I have agreed that he will take Camellia Street and you and I will move to Via Jardin.  It is a much smaller house but perfect for the two of us.  You will of course still have your beautiful room here with him and will have the large backyard to play in and the house will be pretty much the same except we are taking some of the furniture but I think it will be fine.  You will be starting school in January (maybe) and Daddy will pick you up after school on Monday and Tuesday and on Wednesday and Thursday you will stay at school until I get out of work and on Friday I will pick you up early.  I think it will work out great. I have started thinking of how to re-do the townhouse so we both like it. You will like it there we will have a pool very close by and a playground and I am sure lots of little kids to play with.  Eventually I hope to move to Jupiter and buy a bigger house for the both of us but for now this will work out well.  You will be close to dad and the bills will be cheaper for me.  I will miss this house… we put a lot of work into it and I poured a lot of feeling into it. It is almost exactly how I want it and I wanted to stay in this house until you had moved out and gone to college, but it is just too big for just you and I.  We will be fine though J I am not worried.

Daddy and I have been getting along a lot better lately and I think (hopefully) we will become good friends and you will never see that we had ever been upset with each other.  It is a choice I really hope that he makes along with me.

You are talking so much and now are starting to really talk back to me in a negative and a positive way. You have also become crazy clingy to me and tell me often that you are scared of things… like Hippo’s, snakes, and other random things.  I think this is your imagination kicking in and not realizing what is real and what is not.  There is no reason to be scared precious child I will always protect you.

So we got back from a long trip to NY to see all your family and it was a very wonderful relaxing visit.  You grew up a lot in that two weeks and are talking all the time now, although you have rapidly digressed from potty training.  This makes me a little nervous but I am sure you will get back into your normal routine again soon.

You loved seeing Mema and since this was the most amount of time you spent with her she loved every minute of it.  We both did a lot.  We went to the Jersey Shore and you played in the freezing cold water.  You walked on the board walk and we played lots of games.  Every where you went you made your own little friends and you slept in the car because of all the hills and bumpy roads.  You played with your cousins and you stayed up late every night and hardly ever took naps.  It was a real vacation because no real rules applied and people spoiled you with gifts and sugar and kisses and bubbles.

We went to the Zoo and to an amusement park.  We rode on rides and ate a lot.  You received more clothes and gifts then Christmas time and you laughed a lot.  You kept saying … “and sometimes….. their’s FISH” we have no idea what that was but you where cracking everyone up including yourself.  Mema or Mommy slept with you every night so now getting back you are somewhat happy to have your own space and also somewhat upset.  Naps are hard to get back into the habit of but you are not cranky when you have them so we are still applying them.  You had a great time and I took lots of pictures and video of you.  It was a nice relaxing vacation for the both of us.  But now back to reality and back to every day life.

We went to the beach the first weekend that we got back and it was a lot of fun.  One day you and I went with Samantha and a lot of her friends we had a great time and then the next day we went with your dad.  You and he had a great time and I got to do some more relaxing.

Your father is starting to realize that we are not getting back together and he is starting to hurt.  I am sorry if this is stressing you out too much.  You keep telling me you are scared and I think it is because you are feeding off of my emotions.  I am going to try and curb them and explain to him that this has nothing to do with you so we need to keep is separate from you since you are too young to understand it fully.   I am trying to make it as easy as possible for both of us but your father does not see this.  I hope he comes to his senses.

Gosh you are getting big and picking up everything I say and do.  It is amazing how much you are absorbing and how much you are catching onto …. “life”.

I think that the shift in relationships (applying to your father and I) was just in the knick of time.  I think that if I would have waited another year you would have picked up A LOT of really bad habits that I am just scarsley avoiding.  It is getting easier for me and I am starting to get in the grove of being a single mom.  Not that I am out of the woods emotionally and not that my heart does not hurt most times when I look at him but I think I am becoming stronger and seeing the benefits of my choices, which drives me on and to not look back so much.

My birthday was very hard for me…. it always is….. I have a habit of reflecting on my life on my birthday and always looking at the negative.  Something I very rarely do and I guess I just save it all up for that one day when I am a crazy crying stress ball… I have been going to the movies alone a lot …. I do this often but now I am doing it more then normal, maybe this is my way of escaping reality for a little while…. At least it is better then drinking.

You don’t seem to notice because you are so rapped up in finding out about everything. “what’s that…. And that …. And that …. And that” is most of the conversations that we have on a daily basis. Your imagination is also starting to come alive and you are starting to be a little scared of things.  Which is weird but I am assuming very healthy.

Tonight you told me about the shadows being scary and on 4^th of July you where VERY scared, you clung to me like a spider monkey saying NO MORE FIREWORKS and I even showed them to you to show you that it was just noise and light (which normally when I show you something you are no longer scared of it) but that night you where terrified.  It broke my heart to see you shaking so much… and of course you slept in my bed…. I HAVE TO stop letting you sleep in my bed neither one of us sleeps good when you do and I wake up grumpy.  It is just hard to resist your little cries in the night “mama’s bed mama’s bed up up mama’s bed” I just give in too easy.  Which makes me wonder how I am going to do when disciplining you as you get older.  Will I be able to handle it ? I hope so.