Letters to Hope

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I met a neat lady today; I meet a lot of odd people.  We will call her and her family the “sad polygamists”.  They are sad only because the woman seems lost and confused and overwhelmed by the world.  I did not realize how … different this religion is.  I didn’t realize that it part of their religion is to hoard food.  Part of one of their 7 children’s bedroom is stacked with food. I kept telling her over and over again to please eat the food instead of buying more.  She just kept trying to skirt the conversation.   I went home and did some research and realized that this is part of their upbringing.  They also had this very odd card. Well not odd, but different to me.

17 Rules of Dating

1. Date those with your same standards

2. No necking or Petting

3. No French Kissing

4. Date in Groups

5. Do Not Park

6. No Back Rubs

7. No lying down on top or beside each other

8. Attend wholesome activities

9. No immodest dress

10. Never enter a home alone together

11. Never enter a bedroom together

12. Choose friends carefully

13. No missionary work one on one

14 No late hours

15. Be responsible for your own actions

16. Discuss dating rules with partners

17. You are not the exception to these rules

What I thought both odd and good about these rules was that they were printed out on a little laminated business card.  You could carry it with you and refer back to it if you forgot the rules.   I thought it odd that they wrote them out.  Wouldn’t you tell your children this to there face? Does a card make it more real or more the truth? Some of them I thought funny and others I thought “wow – if I had only listened to these when I was younger”, even at this point in my life I most likely would not have been with so many people.  I wonder at what age they hand out these little cards and explain them to the kids. Do the kids know about sex or do they just prevent it by giving them these cards? I think a better way would be to explain to your kid about sex about how it feels and about how our natural urges are sometimes not so smart. But this is also why I am not a polygamist.  I cleaned there closets (they wear odd under garments) and the woman kept wanting me to throw things away they had such a small amount of stuff for all there kids I felt really guilty for throwing anything away.  6 girls and 1 boy and they want me to get rid of something. Everything was a hand me down, and everything was very old.  The house was too small for such a large family and the parents had no privacy. But I did my job and wished them well.  The last thing the woman wanted me to do was assign her children chores. With ALL of those kids none of them helped around the house.  Hope, YOU help around the house and you are only a baby.  I think a teen and pre- teen should know how to clean up their own room.  I thought about all the  dating rules and all the mess; they can not simply have chores.  I made a chore chart sat them all down and explained how important it was for them to all have chores I am not sure if they get it but I hoped so for the mom’s sake.

Life has been going on for the past month or so without your father here, and as stated before you do not really realize it.

Since taking the job at the club after selling the Pizzeria’s and working at night he leaves to go to work when you are asleep and the fact that he sleeps most of the day and then fills his day up with the phone calls and the gym, you never really realized he was here in the first place.

He is here for the hour and a half or so that he has always been here and while I am at work he comes over to take care of you.  You love the time that the two of you spend together and when he leaves you yell “bye bye dada” and jump in my arms only to have the day continue like it always has.

If your life (and my life) goes on like this I doubt you will ever have a problem or issue with your father at all. I doubt you will even notice that we are not together and it will not affect your life at all.  Besides when one of us starts to date someone but even that I am sure will not be that big a deal to you.

You are used to people coming in and out of our house and our bed and although at the age of 2 you have no idea what sex is when you do realize it (hopefully at the age of 40 hehe) you will not think it strange that we have different people in our lives (at least I hope not) because the same amount of attention will be directed to you.

I never remember my father and mother together and they where divorced at around the age that you are now. Although my father trashed my mother and said mean and hurtful things about her because he was bitter and angry it only hurt the relationship between my father and me not between my mother and me.

I very much doubt that your father will ever do such things because we are civil to each other and are very much still friends.  I know that you are going to have many questions when you get older as to why we broke up and I am sure when you ask me about them years from now I will give you a different answer then what is here because I am sure that through time memories will fade and I will not quite remember why just that it did not work out.

I have said this before and I am sure I will say it again.  I love your father very very much.

Let me just say that certain people mature and grow at different stages in there lives and sometimes when two people are together one person just does not catch up to the other person.  Also sometimes people just grow apart in this aspect and in other aspects of there lives.  That is what happened to your father and I.  He has different goals, different friends, different dreams and different priorities then I do.  They are not bad they are just different.

It has been over a month now and I am starting to get used to him not being here.  It still hurts, I still cry at night because I miss him and I wish that I could go back and be the 21 year old girl that he first met so that we could see eye to eye again, but I have grown and I can’t be that person anymore and he has not changed at all since the day I met him and that is both painful and frustrating. But I have changed and just like you will not be the same person when you are 5 from when you are 15.

Some people never stop growing and changing and some people do.

So I met this off the wall guy today he was all over the place, more so then any other client thus far. We will call him and his family “The Yachts” He talked in circles and was a TRUE ADHA person to the core.

He had a million little notes all over the room and wrote so small I could not read anything.  He was very smart and his whole family was very inviting.

He has a secret that he keeps locked away from his daughter that I personally think is mean but he states for her own good.

His daughter is VERY bright and as far as I can tell very balanced.  They make too much of her being slow on some subjects and fast on others and are always trying to diagnose her instead of just looking to see that maybe she is a normal girl.

It’s funny I meet these parents and they tell me how there kids are and it all sounds like normal kid stuff to me.  Children are supposed to have short attention spans they are supposed to be loud and not listen to you they are supposed to not want to do homework. It’s all part of being a child.

Sometimes I think people are too quick to give  kids drugs instead of just realizing that they are growing and maturing and going to act out.  They are not little adults they are kids. Anyway these people are neat and interesting and although a little demanding seem very nice.

I have been working with this wonderful lady. Let call her the “horse lady”.  At first I started working with her because a colleague of mine had recommended me and I was just organizing her bills and paperwork then I started doing other little things for her and then that slowly lead into me doing her bookkeeping.

She is a very …. Robust woman with a heart of gold who always tries to fill her life up with too many things to do. I call her the horse lady because she owns a wonderful ranch full of horses and although I was around horses for a very short time in Holland I really have not been around them all that much.They are big and beautiful and powerful animals all with there own personality and opinions.  The “Horse lady” loves to hunt and jump and run these horses and all have a special job and requirement for her.  She also has a small staff and it is neat to see the hustle and bustle of the farm work. Horses take a lot of time and care and although I have not ventured asking her to ride one one day I am sure she will throw me on the back of a horse smack it’s ass and send me off riding. It is really neat to meet so many different types of people in my job and to see how everyone lives the same but different. It is neat to see all the different personalities with the same fears and worry’s that the next person has.  I have a feeling that this woman will be a great joy in my life and I will learn a lot from her, and hopefully I will help her in being more organized and bring less stress to her life.

So I just have to tell you about this because it is too funny.

Yesterday You decided that you wanted to go for a walk, so you got your shoes on and lead me and daddy to the door. (Daddy visit’s you every day)  You wanted to go for a walk NOW.  Daddy  was not feeling well and the walk was short.  He left and then you decided the walk was not over so you started walking down the street on your own.

I followed you and we walked for awhile. The ice-cream man was coming down the street and normally I ignore him and tell you that the ice-cream man went bye-bye.  But today I thought why not let you have some ice-cream so I told you that we had to go back and get money. You kept saying “Ice-cream man coming ice-cream man coming need money need money”.  So you started to run because I said we have to hurry.

Well you fell and scraped your knee.  And OH MY GOODNESS you talked about that boo-boo for hours. We went back we got the money and we got the ice-cream but you kept talking about your boo-boo you cried while eating the ice-cream you cried while eating your dinner you cried in the shower you cried while watching, yet again, pictures-of-Allana.  You just kept telling me about the boo-boo.  And how you hurt your leg and where screaming no band-aid no band-air.  I was hardly able to clean the cut because you where crying so much.  And for a couple minutes you would forget about it and then lift up your skirt as if to see if it was there and then start to cry again. So dramatic so sad so determined to let me know you had a boo-boo.  Too funny and heart breaking all at the same time.

And then in the middle of the night you came into bed with me and even in your sleep you said ouch boo-boo and then whimpered ice-cream man as if he had inflicted the pain on you himself.

I wonder if now you will relate the ice-cream man to pain.  Hey that would not be such a bad thing.

Your father has still not moved back into the house.  This seems to not affect you at all but it is weighing heavily on my heart.  I miss him and I wish that he would realize that what I want for our relationship and for our future will only benefit us in a positive way not in a negative way.  At some point you do have to “grow –up” in life and he is still not realizing this.

When I had you my whole world changed and every thought I have and every thing I do makes me want to be a better person for you and for myself.

He does not see that he should make the same choices and chooses to live as if he has nothing to loose.  He still has not seen the light at the end of the tunnel and that we as a family must grow.

I hope you are never with someone like this and if you are I hope you do not waste too much time.

I love your father so much, we have been together most of our adult life and I really do not know how I am going to handle loosing my lover and my best friend all at once.  But I have to stand by my convictions or damn you to a life of the same mistakes.

We are going to seek counseling and we are going to see if we can make this work but right now he does not realize that just saying he loves me is not all I will ever need.  He does not realize that in a relationship there are two people not just him. You hopefully will never see this of your father.  You hopefully will grow in the loving glow of his care and love for you.  You will see him as the strong independent person who cherish every breath you take.  You will see the knight in shining armor and understand that he trying to be everything that he can be for you.

I will love him until the day I die, I just can not handle his behavior and his choices.

And I do have to say Hope  that relationships take two people and that I am just as much to blame for our issues as he is.  It is just that I am making different choices then he is and I am not saying that my choices are better but I am saying that they are healthier for you and for me.

My heart hurts, my stomach hurts, my eyes hurt, my body hurts for the choice that I am making but I know in the long run it will not be something I will ever regret.

I wanted to let you know that although this might be nothing, your father and I have been fighting a lot.  It is so hard to describe and explain how hard it is to have a relationship with someone and how much you have to work in that relationship.

I see our relationship and I keep thinking of you…. I keep thinking of the woman I want you to be and how I want you to be strong and confident and I want you to love yourself, and the fact that you deserve and are completely worthy of the best possible man for you.  That you do not let a man dictate what makes you happy in life and that you do not settle for anything less then this.  That you respect and appreciate your man without him walking all over you.

And if you decided that you are gay, that you do and act the same way with a female that you would with a man.

It is sad to say and is very stressing for me but who and how I am right now will shape and mold you as a person and who and what I tolerate will be with YOU forever.  The mistakes that I make you will most likely make, and how my mother raised me is how I am raising you.

This is scary because I am not the person that I want you to be.  Your father is not the man I want you to marry. I love him and I would not say anything negative about him to you.

He is your father and will always be your father and I know that he loves you as much as is humanly possible for a man to love his daughter.  But in the same aspect the way he was raised is not who I want you to marry.  I don’t want men to EVER treat you the way your father, at times, treats me.

It hurts me to write this but I wish that My mother had written this to me before I made mistakes.  She tried to warn me tried to tell me but sometimes people just grow apart.  Sometimes one person grows and changes and evolves into something different then they where and the other person can not accept that person, and sometimes the person never changes or evolves and the other person can not accept that either.

I would rather raise you on my own then train you to merely tolerate someone being around and only seeing love as a female catering to a man.

THIS is NOT my personality and I NEVER want you to learn this type of behavior.  I am scared of you not having a male role model in your life of your father not stepping up to be a good father to you.  But I know you will do well I know you will love him and that your bond will grow and hopefully you will teach him how to love and accept someone as you grow and mature.

I hope that he is never bitter or angry or upset and never says negative things about me.  Because although some might be true I want you to realize that if he ever does this it is only due to the fact that his pride is hurt and that he does not forgive himself for letting me go and that he realizes now after all is said and done that he made a mistake.  So don’t (if he ever does) take his words to heart. Know that he always loves you and that you where planned and made in love and that we love each other very much but there is MUCH more to a lasting relationship then just love.

I met this really nice lady today and I organized her garage.  She has twin boys and she told me about this really neat school in Jupiter that they both attend. I have been doing research on schools for you. I know it is crazy, planning for your school already, but I think it is really important.

Jupiter Montessori School

She told me about a Montessori school and I am going to do some research on it to see what it is all about.  The way she described it, it sounds just like something I would want you to be in.

Her house was beautiful and it sounded like she has a great relationship with her husband and kids. She was very into the school and her family.  It is amazing how much you can learn from people and how much they really open up when you smile and let them talk.

So I was looking into starting the process of editing this “book” but realized I still have so much to write about that I think I will wait until you are five years old to make the first volume of it. You as still growing, of course, and everyday you amaze me more and more. Today I noticed that you went up the stairs like I do (one foot at a time) instead of the normal left…. Left…. Left… that you have been doing since going up the stairs. You are also becoming very ….. bossy and independent and in that same respect are clinging to me more and more. The arm-pit thing is out of control and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. HA I hope you stop soon it drives me crazy. You are very creative and I can see your little brain thinking of more and more stuff to do and figure out. You like to color and draw and are starting to really get into playing with your dolls. I think we lost your favorite Elmo doll and every once in awhile you ask for it. You have three others but you don’t like them as much as you liked this one. We might just get you a new one but not sure if you would like it as much as the old one. You are potty training slowly, every once in awhile you will say you have to go, but then you also go get a diaper and tell me to put it on, so I think you know what the diapers are for and what the potty is for I just think sometimes you get a little lazy. But I am sure it will come in time. I have been really busy with my business lately and not home much. When I come home you HAVE TO snuggle with me as soon as I walk in the door or you are a crab for the rest of the night. It is good that you are spending time with Daddy though you both need bonding time together. This summer you are going to take swimming lessons with him and that will be very nice for the both of you. You love the new park and go there often (almost every day) you are still very active and only like to really watch TV in the early morning (and then for only about ½ an hour) and at around 4 and then also for only about ½ an hour. Other then that, you are GO GO GO GO.

So I met this really nice lady today. Her house was a MESS. It was overwhelming at first to walk in but I knew that I would be able to help her. She is a very free spirited woman with two girls who are both wonderful artist and very feminine. They have this really ugly cat and a annoying but cute dog. The first thing I did today was clean the kitchen. She had so many out dated and useless things. It was clutter central. We will see how it goes.